List of Things NOT to do at Hogwarts
by Navi.BLACK
Summary: ...yeah right. Like we're going to listen to the 'not' part. What will Navi and Co. get up to? Read to find out.  And you might want to read 'My Side of the Story' for this to make sense. Not a george/oc pairing ... the twins are in it alot is all
1. 1 through 49

**Basically, i was bored.**

**That's how this began.**

**Yes, it's another one of those 'List of things not to do at Hogwarts'.**

**Disclaimer: I only own my OC (Navi, from my story 'Tomorrow's Dreams of Yesterday'). Everything else belongs to it's respectable owners.**

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1.I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".

(Cedric found it quite offensive)

(I high-fived the twins for that one.)

2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

(Hagrid does not get it)

(And neither do the pure-bloods)

(The muggleborns, however, are a completely different story.)

(I made Hermione giggle)

(I was so proud of myself)

3. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

(Not only does the aforementioned person take offense to such challenges...)

(But Percy finds it 'unproductive and immature')

(Everyone else finds it hilarious)

4. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.

(No matter how amusing his reaction is)

5. I will not go to class sky clad

(Fred, George, was that really necessary?)

6. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

(I'm sorry Professor McGonagall, I thought he might have enjoyed a night out. I really did)

7. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore".

(In my defence, the twins didn't believe me in the first place)

(But now at least Harry and I match)

8. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".

(Ron...no, just...no)

9. I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins.

(They won't do it)

(I already asked)

10. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

(I'm sorry Neville)

(I had no idea you'd freak out so much)

(But I was _bored_)

11. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

(Enough said)

12. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.

(Actually, the last part isn't true)

(The twins managed to make quite a bit of money)

(McGonagall frowned disapprovingly)

(But I swear I saw her name on that parchment somewhere near my name)

13. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".

(Why does Ron never listen when I tell him this?)

14. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".

(It always ends in a long and boring conversation as to what bookends actually _are.)_

(Then they start going on about how 'weird' muggles are)

15. I will not tye-dye all of the owls.

(No matter how amusing Dumbledore finds it)

16. I will not reenact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall

(Or anywhere else for that matter.)

(Harry does not seem to find it as funny as everyone else)

17. I will not shave Mrs. Norris.

(Don't do it)

(Filch is scary enough when he's not out for blood)

(The twins and I still innocently claim that peeves did it)

18. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".

(See #14)

19. I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.

(*Shakes head in shame*)

(Oh, Ron, when will you learn?)

(That is not the way to impress Professor Snape)

20. I will not ask Lupin if it his time of the month.

(I've never seen my godfather give a glare that terrifying before)

(I still cringe at the memory)

21. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast to Coast AM transcripts.

(She does well enough on her won without encouragement)

22. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

(No matter how much I enjoy the look on McGonagal's face when I explain to her why I'm in her office, having been asked to leave by Professor Trelawney)

23. I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.

(Ron, you heartless person.)

(I think the first year, is still crying somewhere)

24. I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.

(No one takes me seriously)

25. I am not a sloth Animagus.

('Nuff said)

26. I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.

(Especially not in the Great Hall)

(At Halloween)

(It's cruel)

('Yes, Ron, I know I laughed at what Fred did that night')

27. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

(Yes, I asked)

28. I do not weight the same as a duck.

(Unless, it's one that Hagrid has cross-bred with some random magical creature, and created a superduck)

29. Adding the name 'Bueller' to Professor Binns' roster is not funny

(Oh, but it is)

30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

(Dad (Sirius) however, said that he wouldn't mind one)

31. I am not allowed to wear death eater robes to dinner and shout Long live Lord Voldemort because I think it's funny.

(because it's not)

(Well, Harry didn't seem to think so)

32. I will not kiss Trevor.

(For starters, George, you're not a princess)

(And second of all...why? Just, Why?)

33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

(I think I fried Professor Vector's brain)

34. Skiving Snackboxes are not a suitable gift for first-years.

(Hermione was not impressed with Fred and George)

(I didn't tell her that I was involved)

(And neither will you)

35. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.

(I mentioned this to Dad)

(He didn't get it)

36. I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snapes private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing.

(Not to mention that just the thought is enough to make anyone shudder)

37. I will not mock Dumbledore with exaggerated limb movements.

(Only the twins...)

38. I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone it's the new Dark Mark.

(The Slytherins find it offensive)

39. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

(Malfoy hates me)

(More than before anyway)

40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.

(The twins are awesome)

(I wish I'd thought of that)

41. I will not insist that the trees in the Forbidden Forest are Ent wives.

(They are not)

(I'm still yet to prove the Whomping Willow isn't one, however)

42. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

(Nice one Harry)

43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

(This will end in lost house points)

(And _I _for one want to win this year)

44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.

(Best. Dad. Ever)

45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

(The twins are now banned from the owlery)

(They were _joking)_

46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".

(Snape does not find this funny)

47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

(It's a secret)

(Well, that's what he told me anyway)

48. I will not ask Ginny how to properly strangle a chicken.

(She bursts into tears everytime I ask)

49. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.

(The twins still have hand print marks on their faces from when she slapped them)

(Or maybe because I put everlasting red ink on said handprints...)

(Who knows?)

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**Please review.**

**Even if this was something stupid that i thought up during Maths.**

**I'd like to hear your thoughts**


	2. 50 through 100

**Whoo! Second update in one night. Aren't you lucky?**

**I'll just get on with it shall i?**

**Disclaimer: Again...Navi is mine. That's it. Everything else belongs to someone other than me.**

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**Okay, 50 through to 100**

50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

(Apparently, they don't have them in the Wizarding World)

(Who knew?)

51. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.

(Although, that would be kind of cool)

(But seriously Fred, stop asking him)

52. I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's forehead.

(*Shifty eyes*)

(No, I will not)

(Again)

53. Filch does not have a sister named Magenta.

(I forced the twins to watch that film)

(Nothing good has come from it)

(Well, that depends on your version of 'good' I guess)

54. I will refrain from wearing black leather gloves at all times and saying "Hogwarts is mother, Hogwarts is father".

(No one gets it)

55. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients, and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheromones".

(I suggested this as a product for the Twins' joke shop)

(They put it under the 'maybe' pile)

56. I will not refer to the Slytherin dorms as "the Tremere chantry".

(I try)

(But the purebloods never get it)

57. The Malfoys are not Draka.

(See previous rule)

58. Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal. Therefore I will cease going after the prefects with a sword.

(Percy screams like a girl)

(I received high-fives from the twins for that one)

59. Richard Upton Pickman did not paint The Fat Lady.

(One, because the Fat Lady is older than him in the first place)

60. I will not refer to Umbridge as Queen of the Toads, even if she really is.

(It's juvenile)

(Only the first years point things out that obvious)

61. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.

(Ron reacted worse than Harry)

(Hermione just shook her head and acted like this happened every day)

(Well, not _every_ day)

62. The Giant Squid has never made an appearance in any hentai film.

(Not yet, anyway)

63. It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".

(Very, very wrong)

(Ron's never been the same since)

64. Professor Flitwick's first name in not Yoda.

('Yes, I know that, Ron. It's, a muggle film')

65. I will not refer to the hippogryph as "Horseybird".

(I'm sure you know what happened to Malfoy in third year)

(No more needs to be said)

66. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.

(Or any other Slytherin.)

(No matter how fast I can run)

67. Ron does not know Kim Possible.

(Yes, I asked)

(I just recieved a slightly disturbed look in return)

68. I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.

(Especially Percy's)

(The twins nicked it for me)

69. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.

(At least Dumbledore found it funny)

70. -Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear Professor.

(The twins)

(They stole my favourite pair too)

(And they stuck the Slytherins' to the doors at the Great Hall)

(Classic)

71. -I am not a Professor, at all.

(My fun is always ruined)

72. I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.

(Bad things will happen)

73. -I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

(Funny, yet 'bad' things will also happen)

('It was an honest mistake Professor!')

74. -It was not an honest mistake.

75. I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.

(*High fives Harry*)

(I never knew he had it in him)

76. I am no longer allowed in the student laundry.

(That still doesn't stop the twins from sneaking in)

77. -Or the teacher laundry.

(….Yeah...)

(This one was my bad)

78. Nor am I allowed to ever cast an Invisibility charm again.

(Making all of Snape's clothes invisible to everyone but him)

(*Shudders*)

(George, that went too far)

(_No one _had to see that)

79. While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet, which makes reference to Belinda the Buttless.

(Although, Mad-eye seemed to approve)

(Dad was amused)

(My godfather however, was not)

80. It is generally accepted that Cats and Dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.

(This was _not _me)

(And as far as I know...it wasn't the Twins either)

(Whoever, it was..._giving _Hagrid ideas is a bad idea)

(A _very _bad idea)

81. I will not give any girl a one half of a set of two-way mirrors as a Christmas present.

82. -Especially if I don't tell her what it is.

(The twins again)

83. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled firewhiskey.

(The first years believed me)

(Until they read the label)

84. -Charming the label does not change anything.

(Thanks Hermione)

(That spell was pretty nifty)

85. I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class.

(I brought enough for everyone)

86. -Even if I brought enough for everyone.

(Damn)

(There goes that)

87. -Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behavior.

(But his face was priceless)

88. Peeves may not countermand any of my professors' or prefects' orders.

(Are you sure?)

89. No matter what Professor Umbridge may tell me to the contrary, I am not authorized to form press gangs.

(*Sniffs*)

(Everyone always spoils my fun)

90. Chemistry and Potions don't mix.

(Have you ever tried mixing a highly combustible liquid with potions?)

91. -Testing this last is not funny.

(Don't)

92. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.

(Not that I've tried...or anything)

93. May not mock Professor Umbridge in front of the press.

(Does this mean I can do it when they're not there?)

94. I may not speak Latin in front of the books.

(Bad things happen)

(I'm still confused as to how the twins managed to set the Library floor on fire)

95. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."

(She just wanted to know what to know if I still wanted to be an auror)

(But she gave me a detention just for that response)

('For you to answer with that sort of response, you've done something to warrant yourself a detention)

96. May not insinuate that all beautiful American exchange students to Gryffindor or Slytherin House in Harry Potter's Year are Lockhart's misbegotten heirs, even if it's true.

(Fred and George, _again_)

97. I am not possessed by the ghost of Lady Macbeth.

(I had fun with that one)

98. -Neither is The Fat Lady.

(No one gets it)

(A surprising amount of muggleborns don't read Shakespeare)

(Only Hermione, and well, me)

99. When someone accuses me of not wearing any drawers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent.

(The Twins are still laughing)

100. -Especially if I can't.

(Yeah...)

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**Okay, so I'm up to 100.**

**Review, and more updates shall come...**

**Don't forget to check out my other story ;)**


	3. 101 through 150

**Disclaimer: Again, i only own Navi(my OC).**

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101. If someone's House Badge is green and mine is purple, it means they are in Slytherin House. It does not mean "The Sorting Hat thinks they're dumber than me."

(Same difference)

(But, since when is there a purple house badge?)

(I'm confused)

102. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.

(Lee Jordan you are awesome)

(I now see you in a new light)

(I am not worthy)

103. Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums".

(Dad, you are an idiot)

104. -Neither does he respond favorably to "Sev", "Snapey-Poo" or "Debbie".

(Why Dad? Why must you torment him?)

(I end up paying for it when school starts)

105. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

(This has absolutely nothing to do with me)

(I swear)

106. Hagrid does not have relationships with magical creatures, and I should stop implying that he does.

(Malfoy, you're a git)

(Consider youself, 'Navi's Most Wanted')

(Prepare to be hexed)

107. I am not authorized to sell incriminating pictures of the faculty to students.

(My personal favourite was the one with...)

(Well, I'll spare your mind from scarring imagery)

108. -Giving the same pictures out free of charge is also frowned upon.

109. Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.

(Only me)

110. House Elf stew is not on the Hogwarts menu neither is Niffler Curry, so I should stop asking.

(Gotta love those Twins)

111. A wand is for magic only; it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.

(But it was History!)

(How else am I supposed to pass the time?)

(And Ron was only upset because he lost that game of snooker)

(He didn't have to complain to Hermione about it)

(She threatened me with disembowelment)

(I've never been so scared for my life)

112. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox.

(But...I do it anyway)

113. I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as "cannon fodder."

(This is specifically reserved for Slytherin first-years)

114. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

(The muggleborns couldn't stop laughing)

(I swear I even saw Snape's lip twitch slightly before he yelled at me to get out of class)

(I really do)

115. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"

(Her glares are scary)

116. My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."

(I called him that by accident)

(I'd had a vivid Lord of the Rings dream the night before)

(Dumbledore seemed intrigued by this)

117. Neville is not my valet.

(For starters...one would need a car)

(...'Hey Ron!')

118. When given a directive by my house prefect, I should not insist that "we don't need no stinking badges."

(Again, no one will get it)

(But people find it funny anyway)

119. First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.

(It's cruel)

(Don't do it)

(Fred, George, I'm looking at you two)

120. I will not threaten the Fat Lady with Dip.

(Ron snorted when I did)

(She still refuses to answer any questions I have about her name)

121. House ghosts do not regularly "slime" anyone.

(No matter how much I wish them too)

122. Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

(I gave some sparkley ones to the twins at Christmas)

(They continued to wear them throughout the school year)

(Until Snape caught them)

123. There is no "open-mike night" at Hogwarts.

(But I can wish)

(Really, _really _wish)

124. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.

(I did this in the Gryffindor common room)

(Everyone was rolling around on the floor laughing)

125. There is no bring a muggle to school day.

126. -And I should stop insisting there is.

('Nuff said)

127. I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever coughed up a hairball.

(It's rude and unnecessary)

(...But since when had that stopped me?)

128. I must not spread rumors that Lucius Malfoy is, was, or ever will be known in Death Eater circles as "Dobby's Homeboys."

(No, just...No)

129. The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, blond, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherins that Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support.

(Even if everyone finds this hilarious)

(Especially Dad)

130. I will not say that Harry Potter's godfather has "taken the veil."

(Because he's my dad)

(And I cry whenever someone mentions it)

(Yes, I _cry_)

131. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout, "There can be only ONE!"

(I'm not even going to say anything)

132. I will not refer to any Death Eaters as "Trixie.

(Trust me, don't do it)

133. -Even if it is a legitimate nickname.

(It'll just get you killed)

134. I will not tell the Muggleborn first-years that the Forbidden Forest's real name is Mirkwood.

(How many eleven year olds have read Lord of the Rings anyway?)

135. I must not start a "Vetinari for Minister of Magic" campaign.

(Even if the current one is a complete lunatic)

136. I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.

(Knowing Snape...those potions are evil)

(I wouldn't even wish that on the Slytherins)

(Maybe)

137. I should not tell anyone that Dean Thomas's nickname is John.

(Why did you do that Lee?)

(I'm not sure anyone understands)

138. I will not go to any fundamentalist websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of "intelligent design.

(McGonagall didn't even us a detention)

(I think she was proud)

(I know Dad was)

139. The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.

(It was only _once__)_

(Unless you count that time when...)

140. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from "Phantom of the Opera.

(Even it their reactions are amusing)

(Very amusing)

(They thought I was mental)

141. I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine".

(Even if they are)

142. I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort.

(No matter how much he does)

(I don't want to get close enough to say that anyway)

(*Shudders*)

143. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library

(Does this one _have _to be here?)

(That was the most fun I'd had in _ages_)

144. I will not send pictures of magical creatures to the Weekly World News.

(It illegal)

(I for one don't particularly want to go to Azkaban)

145. I will not cover myself in ectoplasm and walk out of a fireplace, saying I took the "Flu Network".

(It was only funny the first time)

(Now it just earns eyerolls and annoyed groans)

(Just like when Dad makes an Sirius/Serious jokes)

146. I will not refer to "The Grim" as a nice doggy.

(Dad may find it funny...)

(But others do not)

(Especially Ron)

(Considering his uncle died after seeing one)

147. I will not refer to Professor Lupin as a nice doggy.

(He does not like being reminded of his 'furry little problem')

148. I will not ask Professor Sprout where the Jolly Green Giant is.

(He does not exist)

(Or so she keeps telling me)

149. I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".

(None of the muggleborns find it funny)

(Or anyone else for that matter)

150. I am not permitted to utter the line: "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!" during Charms class.

(Again, only the muggleborns will get it)

(And even then they won't find it funny)

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	4. Rule 79

**Rule 79. While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet, which makes reference to Belinda the Buttless.**

I grinned while Fred, George and I finished up with the last of our recent 'project'.

We'd spent the past two weeks working on it when the twins weren't working on their joke shop products.

Mrs. Weasley thought we were doing homework.

Everyone else knew better.

They didn't know the details of course, just that we were lying through our teeth when wee claimed to be finishing off our transfiguration work.

I can't see how she bought it though.

I'm not even in the same year as the twins.

*Sigh*

I gathered up our project and hid it all in my duffel bag, before heading up the staircase.

Pulling out the pamplets, I began shoving them under doors and the twins were sticking them to the walls with magic.

When we were finished, we headed to our rooms and I slowly drifted off to sleep, a grin on my face as I imagined the look on everyone's face the next morning.

I pushed myself out of bed and frowned as to why I was strangely happy and then remembered last night.

Grinning, I changed into my jeans and black tank top before pulling on my converse and flitting downstairs to the kitchen.

My grin widened when I saw that Dad, Mad-Eye, Tonks, Remus, Mrs. Weasley, and various others, reading the pamphlets.

Dad looked up from it, and, seeing my grin, winked at me before turning back to the pamphlet.

I sat down at the table and Tonks looked up at me with a grin.

"nice work Naves."

"indeed," growled Mad-eye. "more people should take wand safety more seriously."

I bit my lip to keep from laughing and Dad snorted, glancing up at me.  
The twins then decided to venture into the kitchen where they received a tounge lashing from their mother.

They now have to clean up on of the rooms on the higher floor.

Mrs. Weasley then rounded on Sirius. "Well, aren't you going to say anything to Navi?"

"Sure," he replied before turning to me.

I looked at him suspiciously.

He reached into his pocket and pull something out and passed it to me.

It was money.

"Get yourself something nice at Hogsmeade when you head back to Hogwarts."

"_Sirius_!" Mrs. Weasley shouted.

"What?"

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**Okay, i got bored ... so i did this.**

**the end...hopefully will update soon...exams this week.**

**Review button is this way**

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**But seriously people...i don't really feel like updating if i don't know whether people like it or not ... so please ... virtual cookies for those who review.**

**xoxo NaviBLACK**


	5. 151 through 200

Thank you my reviewers!

I love you all...

Okay, so my maths exam is tomorrow ... wish me luck!

...I'll need it.

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**as the title says rules 151 through 200 are in this chapter.**

151. No one tell me or Harry that the veil at the Department of Mysteries is actually a magical transporter that took Dad to the Bahamas.

(No matter how much I wish this was true)

152. I will not sing 'We're off the see the Wizard' when sent to the Headmaster's office.

(The purebloods thought I was mental)

(Well, more so than usual)

(The muggleborns found it amusing)

(So did Dumbledore, for that matter)

(Until I told him why I was there)

153. I will not ask Dad if his middle name is Lee.

(It's not.)

(Although, he seemed to get a kick of me asking him.)

154. I will also not comment on the fact that Dad's initials are S.O.B.

(No matter how much the screaming of Grandma's portrait irritates me)

(Dad finds it funny)

(Everyone else … not so much)

(Remus claims that the reference got old in second year)

155. I will notstand in the middle of the Great Hall and sing, "I may be a tiny chimney but I have an enormous … broom."

(Or any other location)

(Fred and George may not sing the aforementioned song at all)

156. I may not have a private army.

(Not even if it technically belongs to someone else)

(Yes, Harry, this one is for you)

157. I am not the Wicked Witch of the West.

(Neither is Professor Umbridge)

(Also, I will not melt if water is poured over me)

(Neither will Professor Umbridge)

(But you should have seen her face when I tested this theory)

(My ribs still hurt from laughing so much)

158. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!" may be correct but is not the manner in which one should answer.

(In my defence … screw that, I have no defence.)

159. I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.

(That is not what it was made for)

(I think …)

160. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

(I swear, I have the image of Snape's face after hearing the sorting hat call out that house forever imprinted in my brain)

(We posted the pictures that Colin took of all the teachers' reactions in the common room)

(I was given a month's detention)

(So worth it though)

161. I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes.

(Even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it)

(Even Hermione appreciated the humour in this last)

162. I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldie's Angels".

(Classic)

(I hung it in my Uncle's room at Grimmauld Place)

163. I will not send Professor Snape toothpaste and Shampoo for Christmas.

(I was doing him a favour!)

164. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

(She gets wide-eyed)

(And her glasses already freak me out)  
- I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

(Fail)

(Ron, that went too far)

165. I will not refer to Professor McGonagall as Catwoman.

(No matter how funny she would look in tight leather)  
-Nor will I ask her if she is Catwoman in disguise.

(She docked house points)

(For 'asking stupid questions')

166. I will not die the Death Eaters robes pink.

(That was _one _time!)

167. When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.

(Or the Marauders)

(The Minister was not impressed)

(Neither was Professor McGonagall)

168. Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.

(Oh come _on_!)

(That was funny!)

(For everyone except the Hufflepuffs)

(Even a couple of Slytherins laughed)

(Or … maybe they were laughing at me after Hannah hexed me for sitting on her)

(Huh...)

169. I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.

(How about both?)

(I'm so glad I taught Fred and George how to use a computer)

(Hilarity has increased ever since)

(For everyone except Percy)

(And Snape)

(… Classic)

170. While it is appropriate to refer to Voldemort as "Master" while in his service, Voldemort and The Master are not one and the same.

(Yea …)

171. A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars.

(Oh my god!)

(My Dad is awesome!)

(I still can't believe Mr. Weasley didn't see the genius required for that one!)

(It. Was. Awesome.)

172. I will not levitate everywhere in a big pink bubble.

(That was an advanced piece of magic)

(I think McGonagall was secretly impressed)

(...Secretly)

173. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

(This rule applies to Fred, George, me, Lee, Dad, and most other people that spend their free time in detention or being yelled at by Mrs Weasley)

(I think Snape gave up on banning spells by name and just applied a blanket rule)

(No fair)

174. I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."

(Anyone stupid enough to believe this is in Slytherin)

(And they wouldn't buy them anyway)

(Unless you count Mr. Weasley)

(But Dad caught on to my scheme and told me that I couldn't do that anymore)

(...unless I gave him 50% of my profit)

(Nice Dad, don't tell me off for conning Mr Weasley into buying my things … but blackmail your own daughter into sharing her earnings...)

(As much as I love that you didn't rat me out … I think that's bad parenting on your part)

(Even if I find it awesome)

175. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you're looking for'.

(*shakes head*)

(Why did I let the twins watch that movie again?)

176. I will not conjure up lemons and say "Life hath given thou LEMONS!"

(Hermione wouldn't stop laughing)

(Neither would any other muggle born)

(And most other people who got the joke)

(Nice one Lee … I applaud you)

177. I will not ask Hagrid how he was created.

(Because, frankly … I do not want to know)

178. I will only use this list for things i'm not allowed to do,not to comment that I can avoid Professor Snape.

(But it's a good skill to have)

(I've been working on it for the past couple of years)

179. I will not sell any of these things i'm not supposed to do to first years retitaling it"Things I'm allowed to do at hogwarts"

(No matter which teacher I intend to share my fortune with.)

180. I will not ask Professor Snape if he still has his gray underpants.

(Again, Dad, I love you)

(Moony just shook his head)

(I think he's given up)

181. I will not ask Olivander how many dragons had to die befor they figured out heart strings were the things with magical properties.

(What?)

(I was genuinely curious)

(Hermione- "Curiosity killed the cat")

(Me- "No, stupidity killed the cat … curiosity was framed)

(Fred- "Well, then you're doomed either way."

(Me- "... HEY!")

182. i will not find people with muggle parents who like wresteling and point out how violent and stupid it is.

(Yea …)

183. I will not tell dumbledore that the wrestling fan attacked me first, and that i had every right to hex him.

(But it's _true_!)

184. I will not refer to wresting as "muggle dueling with a ref" in front of the previously mentioned fan, no matter how much i feel i need to practice the leg locker curse.

(...-_-')

185. transfiguration is not for making super-ultra-hybrid betwen beavers and platapus's, beavepus's and otter, beavterpus's with normal beaver, extra beavery beavterpus's with normal platapus's, extra beaverpusy beavterpus with regular otters just to create the ultimate aquatic mammal.

(Lee … what the hell?)

(Do you need a lift to St. Mungos?)

186. i will not create a Trouble makers Hall Of Fame. As such it will not be next to the portable swamp Fred and George set up, and won't have pictures of Harry's dad and my Dad.

(Fred and George were upset that they weren't included.)

(Dad gave me a high-five)

(I also cannot hold a competition for 'Troublemaker of the Year')

(I will always win)

(No I do not rig the competition)

(*shifty eyes*)

187. Nearly headless nick does not approve of being called Casper the Friendly Ghost.

(He likes to think of himself higher than that.)

(I thought it was funny)

(But then again … I most things that shouldn't be funny funny)

(*immature giggle*)

188. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form.

189. I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Lupin's office door.

(He still gives me exasperated looks)

(Is that another grey hair?)

(… nope, that one was from me singing 'Thriller')

190. No matter how creepy and abandoned some of the towers are, I will not find Johnny Depp with scissors for hands in any of them.

(A girl can dream)

191. I will not indulge in fun with duct tape.

(No matter how vast the uses)

(Or entertaining the results)

(This goes double for superglue)

(McGonagall was not pleased to find all her office furniture glued to the wall)

(Neither was Snape)

(Dumbledore seemed to like the new decoration style)

192. Comparing Draco Malfoy to Alex Krycek, Lindsay McDonald, Lex Luthor or any similar character is not an appropriate subject for a Muggle Studies essay.

(I got an O and three detentions)

(The O made it all worth it)

193. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin"

(Or 'Frodo and Sam')

(It got old a long time ago)

(Now it just earms annoyed groans and eye rolls)

(So please … George … leave it alone.)

194. I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.

(I got a visit form the Minister asking me to explain why there was a Muggle wandering around Hogsmeade looking for me)

195. I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because Hogwart's smartest student is in another house.

(Mainly because they are smarter than me)

(And know more complex spells)

(and let me tell you … those Ravenclaws are awfully creative when it comes to jinxes)

(I could learn a few things from them)

196. The house never did fall on Professor Umbridge's sister, nor is she suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result.

(Even if I believe that it's true)

(McGonagall just shakes her head when I walk into her office)

(And assigns a detention)

(She never even asks what I did anymore)

197. I may not try to find out if any of the owls are David Bowie in animagus form.

(He's a _muggle_)

(As I'm constantly reminded)

(But still, it can't hurt to check can it?)

198. Asking the Weasley twins, "So do you do everything together?" is ill advised.

(Dean assked them that once...)

(I burst out laughing)

(He ended up being the tester for their twins products over the next couple of weeks)

199. Telling Lucius what he could do with his staff... is not advisable.

(He called me a blood-traitor)

(So I retaliated...)

(It was self-defense)

(What was I defending?)

(My need to always have the last say)

200. Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.

(I thought McGonagall was going to implode)

(She bottles up her emotions)

(...it's not healthy)

* * *

**end of this part...**

**Any ideas for any rules would be nice ;)**

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	6. 201 through 250

**Do i have to do this again? Aren't there enough already?**

201. I am no longer allowed to model muggle clothes on the Slytherin table at dinner.

(Or at any meal)

(it is irrelevant that I feel they need a better fashion sense)

(This also goes for other houses)

(Including my own)

(Along with the teachers table)

202. I am not allowed to hum the 'imperial march' when Snape walks by.

(Even if I feel it is entirely appropriate)

(It is not)

(Or so I've told on multiple occasions)

203. Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not be improved by the introduction of muggle firearms.

(Yeah …)

(… about that …)

-And although they are doubtlessly more athletic, battle-axes are not accepted either.

204. I am no longer allowed to sing 'Back to Hogwarts'.

(The only time it was 'totally awesome' … was the first time.)

205. Singing 'Voldemort is going down' however, is acceptable.

(Unless in the presence of Slytherins)

(Then it's just suicidal)

206. I will not tell Draco to 'make like a ferret and bounce'.

(...I'm crossing out that 'not')

207. I will stop telling first-years about the 'hidden swimming pool'.

(No, I'm not referring to the one in the prefects bathroom)

(… that I'm not supposed to have ever entered)

208. Submitting the 'Horoscope song' does not count as Divination homework.

(VIRGO!)

(All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent … except for you!)

(I got full marks)

(And then Professor McGonagall found out)

(-_-')

209. I will stop asking Hannah Abbott to find my lost quill.

(…..)

210. Breaking into song during potions is not acceptable.

(Especially if the song is 'I feel so pretty, oh so pretty')

(Or 'I'm too sexy)

211. This list being used as checklist is inappropriate. Therefore I shouldn't do so.

(Fred, George, Lee, me, Dad … Ginny)

212. I will not find first years on the train and lie about how they get sorted.

(Last year the twins and I went with the 'Troll' story)

("Good luck to you! I heard this year they've got a troll to fight to decide your house. Man, in my year we just had to fight fire crabs!")

(So worth the detention)

213. Voldemort is not a relation of Davvy Jones.

(I should stop announcing that he is.)

(Especially loudly in the Great Hall)

214. No one is allowed to use wizards swears.

(Especially me)

("VOLDEMORT'S NIPPLE!")

(...I'm awesome)

215. Do not attempt to explain the laws of physics.

(Just don't)

(It gives everyone a headache)

216. HERMIONE CAN'T DRAW!

(This isn't a rule, per say)

(But unless you want to be hexed … don't shout this out)

(Dad - "LUPIN CAN'T SING!")

217. Never more, am I or the twins allowed to quote Sue Sylvester from Glee.

("-I will go to the animal shelter and buy you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat and on some dark cold night I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face.")

(Dad couldn't stop laughing after I said this to Snape when he was over at Grimmauld Place)

(Moony was over in a corner shaking his head)

(Molly was yelling at the Twins for saying the same to Moody)

(They didn't have the guts to say it to Snape)

(Or maybe they just valued self-preservation)

(Either way … I win)

218. I am not allowed to attempt to contact the Winchesters.

(Even if I believe that they can help us kick ass in this war.)

(They will most likely shoot me on the spot)

219. Dad is not allowed to make any Serious/Sirius jokes.

(they're not funny)

(And we've heard them all anyway)

(The one I said in third year does not count)

(Mainly because Snape was asking for it)

220. I will stop comparing the movie _Eragon _with the books.

(We all know the movie was terrible)

(There's no need to proclaim this on a daily basis)

221. Albus Dumbledore's correct title is 'Headmaster', not 'My Liege'.

(Personally I think he gets a kick out of it)

222. I am not the reincarnation of Morgana.

(I had lots of fun with this one)

(So did the twins)

223. Neither of the Weasley Twins are the reincarnation of Merlin.

224.I am not a Vampire Slayer and Professor Lupin is not my Watcher.

(I attempted to stake Snape)

225. I am not to attempt to stake Professor Snape

(Damn)

226. I will never accept anything edible from a Weasley.

(This is more of a life lesson)

227. I am not to tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights of Ni have challenged him to duel and then have my friends/other people to call out Ni from various directions.

(That one was pretty funny)

228. I am not to go into Muggle territory.

(We all know how badly that ended last time)

229. Draco Malfoy is not a ferret animagus.

(Are you sure?)

230. I will stop sending Jenny Craig flyers to Slughorn, and say that he needs to lay off the Honeydukes.

(No comment)

231. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.

(No matter how much I wish this were true.)

232. Neither is Professor Snape.

233. I am not authorised to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

(He would never have agreed to my terms anyway)

234. I can no longer sing Christmas carols.

(I sung the same five over and over again)

(And I can't sing anyway)

235. Especially when drunk.

(Picture this, me and dad (Sirius) drunk, singing 'God rest ye merry Hippogriffs', when neither of us can sing, while slurring our words)

(Remus decided that he would ban dad from parental duties for a week)

236. I will not ask the school to sponser a break dancing crew

(McGonagall did that stern look she does so well)

237. I will not off Professor McGonagall lasagne.

(I didn't even get the whole sentence out before she gave me a detention)

(I accused her of having the 'inner eye')

(She scowled)

238. Do not attempt to make small talk with Grandma.

(This goes for everyone)

239. If members from the Ministry are present at Hogwarts I am not allowed to converse with them.

240. (Scratch out the last one)If members from the Ministry are present at Hogwats I am not allowed out of my _room_.

241. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying 'the library is closed for an indefinite time period' amusing in any sense.

(Neither does Hermione)

(No one else even notices)

242. Harry Potter is not 'The Seeker of Truth'.

(Neither is Ron)

(Or Neville)

243. Albus Dumbledore is not **Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander** .

(I asked him if he could make 'wizard's fire')

244. I am not Kahlan Amnell

(Neither is Hermione)

(And I should probably stop trying to 'confess' people)

245. I am also not Cara.

(Or any other Mord'Sith)

(I transfigured a stick to look like an Agiel)

(The twins thought I looked awesome in red leather)

246. The Sword of Gryffindor is not the 'Sword of Truth'.

(Although, that would be pretty cool)

247. Voldemort is of no relation to Lord Rahl.

(Nor _is _he Lord Rahl)

248. He is also of no relation to Sauron.

249. I should stop saying that everyone is a character from Lord of the Rings in another life.

Harry – Frodo

Ron – Sam

Hermione – Eowyn

Me – Arwen

Fred and George – Merry and Pippin

Dumbledore – Gandalf

and a whole lot more …

250. Skittles will make you throw up rainbows.

(I told Dad that they did)

(He believed me)

(HA!)

**_Reviews are love._**

**_Seriously ... i mean that._**

**_And can people please also review my other story ... i'm losing confidence in it_**


	7. 251 through 300

**251 through 300**

251. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not an extra credit project for Herbology.

(It will end in a detention)

(And an inquiry as to how I managed to obtain illicit muggle drugs)

(Not to mention that Magical ones are better effects and have less side effects)

(I will not explain how I know that)

252. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

(But his face is priceless)

(He's given up on docking house points)

(Instead, as soon as I open my mouth, he issues a detention)

253. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

(McGonagall just rolled her eyes)

(She's now used to my wackiness)

(Which is now a word)

254. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.

(Harry proceeds to start laughing)

(Hermione threatens to hex me)

(Ron scowls)

255. I am not a tribble Animagus.

(Tribbles do not exist)

(Or so I am told)

256. I do not weigh the same as a duck no matter what that Muggle movie says.

(Sadly, this is true and has been tested many, many times)

257. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.

(Fred and George tried to invent one)

(My Australian pen-pal was confused)

258. Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say "NI".

(Nor is he any other character from that movie)

(Sadly)

259. I am not allowed to order the kitchen house-elves to spit into all the food to "enhance the flavor".

(Especially in the Slytherins' food)

(Nor am I allowed to do it myself when they refuse)

260. The proper way to report to my Teacher is "Yes, Sir" not "You can't prove a thing!"

(It's a sure-fire way to get a detention)

261. I am not allowed to add pictures of teachers I don't like to Wanted Deatheater posters.

(And I haven't)

(Unless Barty Crouch Jnr. Technically counts)

262. There is no house made of candy in the forbidden Forest and it's wrong to say so to first years.

(Especially when they're from my own house)

263. I shall not add "according to the prophecy" at the end of my sentences to raise my Divination grade.

(It worked though)

(Well, it didn't have an impact on my OWL exams … but it worked the other years)

264. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice. Not even if I am a witch.

(Surprisingly, McGonagall has watched that movie)

(I was amazed she understood the reference)

(But still an inappropriate career choice)

265. I will not call my wand "an elegant weapon from a more civilized age".

(This just earns annoyed looks and eye rolls)

(Really, Lee, it got old _ages_ ago)

266. It's just cruel to tell Nearly Headless Nick that he'd forget his head if it wasn't attached.

(This is true)

(I felt bad afterwards)

267. The four houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smartasses, and the Junior Death Eaters.

(Only the last houses are relevant anyway)

(Everyone agrees with me)

(Well, everyone not from said houses)

268. I will not teach the house-elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

(Classic)

269. Yelling "to infinity and beyond" was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.

(Yes, yes it was)

(*has reminiscent dreamy expression*)

270. I will refrain from calling Harry and Ron "Frodo and Sam" and the Weasley twins "Merry and Pippin".

(The twins are cooler than that anyway)

271. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.

(So they tell me)

272. No matter how creepy and abandoned some of the towers are, I will not find Johnny Depp with scissors for hands in any of them.

(But that doesn't stop me from looking)

(Or gazing at the Marauder's Map)

273. I will stop sneaking out at night to look for Ents in the Forbidden Forest.

(The last time this happened I ran into a group of centaurs)

(They didn't seem to appreciate my rapid fire questions)

274. I am not allowed to flood the Chamber of Secrets, install an organ, wear half a mask and sing Andrew Lloyd Webber.

(...yeah)

274. I will not tickle a sleeping dragon "just to see what happens".

(And I don't plan on trying it any time soon)

48. When being questioned by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce "These aren't the droids you are looking for".

(Umbridge didn't get it)

(… toad)

275. I will stop telling tree-huggers to go visit the Whomping Willow.

(It was a _joke_)

276. Loudly repeating "Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort" is not a good way to get the classroom quiet.

(People flinch and tell me to shush)

(I will not be shushed!)

277. I must not throw Hermione's copy of Hogwarts: A History out the window and then claim that it wanted freedom.

(The entire common room burst into laughter)

(Hermione glared at me and _accio_ed the book back)

278. I will not tell Professor Trelawny that my teacup says she's lying.

(She just looked at me)

279. I must not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor tower is "Petrificus Totalus" and must be recited with their wands pointed at themselves.

(McGonagall demanded to know who told them)

(They described Malfoy)

(… I love magic)

280. I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his "Happy place".

(He glared at me)

281. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.

(Not anymore)

(Not after last time)

282. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.

(That's probably because they're usually happy and uplifting)

(Not 'you will die by chocolate consumption')

(But … if I died by that … I would be one happy person)

283. I will not set Ravenclaw house on the task of calculating the exact value of pi.

(Two months, five days, 13 hours, and 26 minutes)

(Yes, I timed them)

284. However tempting it may be, I will not send Voldemort a Christmas card telling him how much we all love him, even through these difficult times.

(No wonder he tried to kill me)

(I'm an 'annoying prescence')

285. I will not point out to the house-elves how much sushi could be made of the giant squid.

(I like that squid)

(He makes a good date)

286. I will not dress like Neville's grandmother when going to the Halloween Party in Snape's class.

(He made a strangled sound)

(I owled pictures to Dad)

(Of both the outfit and Snape's reaction)

(He claims that I am definitely his)

(Remus reluctantly agreed)

287. I will not give Voldemort a toupee to hide his baldness.

(I shouldn't really give Voldemort anything in general)

(Or be within five miles of him)

(I actually value my life)

(Despite what all my actions seem to suggest)

288. I will not steal veritaserum from Snape's store and add some to the teachers' morning tea.

(My ribs still hurt from laughing)

289. When asked a question by a teacher I will not point out that the answer is protected by a fidelus charm and I am not the secret-keeper.

(McGonagall was actually impressed)

(She didn't give me a detention based on the fact that it was a very unique response)

(I think I'm growing on her)

(Unless she discovers the booby trap I set for the Slytherins)

290. Do not jump out at Mad-Eye Moody for a joke.

(Barely avoided being liquefied by a hex)

291.(Thank you FlyingSolo365) I will not host an interfantasy party:

-Gollum could befriend the House-Elves. Bad things would happen.  
-Gandalf and Dumbledore would start swapping ideas and we'd end up with colors instead of Houses.  
-We do not want an evil bi-rule.

(Voldemort + Sauron = BAD!)

(We already have enough problems with one evil being)

(We do not need another)  
-Aslan would not take kindly to being adopted as the new Gryffindor mascot.  
(Nor would he appreciate Malfoy's claims that he is 'Rumbleroar')  
-Ron was already scarred enough from Aragog. He does not need to meet Shelob. He does not have a Phial of Galadriel.  
(Aragog could then marry and have many more giant baby spiders)

(The world would be screwed  
-I will not tell any hobbit how to get into the kitchen.  
(Although, the house elves would appreciate their love for food)  
-I will not spike Arthurian characters' drinks with Amortentia. They don't need it.  
(This is true)  
-I will not introduce Neville and Sam unless I want everyone bored out of their skulls with plant lore.  
-I will not introduce the Weasley twins to Merry and Pippin. Havoc would ensue.  
(Nor will I join them on crazy schemes)  
-I will not bring Treebeard to the Whomping Willow and suggest he get her Midol.  
-I will not refer to Peter as Grima.  
(Despite the fact that they're traitorous scum and have 'worm' in their name)  
-I will not ask a singing dwarf his name and then, before he has time to answer, ask if it's Sneezy? Happy? Sleepy? Grumpy? Dopey? Doc? Bashful?  
-When said dwarf glowers at me, I will not continue, "Balin? Dwalin? Kili? Fili? Bifur? Bofur? Bombur? Ori? Dori? Oin? Gloin? Nori? Thorin Oakshield? Oh, then you must be Gimli!"  
-When I get to the hospital wing, I shall not report that the dwarf attacked me without provocation.

292. I must not point to the Dark Mark in the sky and shout "To the Batmobile, Robin!"

(Everyone is sick to death of my random comments)

(And the purebloods don't understand the references and just think I'm insane)

293. Making a fake journal and leaving it in Ginny's dormitory is not funny.

(Fred, that was a cruel prank to play on your sister)

(… "I only bought you that journal because I had no idea what you'd do with it!")

294. I must not point at Voldemort and say "I taught him everything he knows."

(I didn't)

295. I will not tell Umbridge "Voldemort says, 'Hi,'" every time I see her.

(Bloody toad)

296. I should not tell Cho Chang Cedric came to me in a dream and wanted me to tell her something, but I woke up before he did.

(it was really cruel … but in my defence, she's pretty much said that Harry was secretly dating Hermione)

297. I must not intentionally mispronounce Cho's name as "Ho".

( …. it was only once)

298. I should not tell Umbridge that I have a kitten named "Fluffy" she would like to meet.

(But I will anyway)

299. I will not pay Professor Flitwick to run around yelling "Help, they're after me lucky charms!"

(He wouldn't do it)

(And gave me a detention for suggesting it)

300. Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me any house points

(I think I'm catching Dad up on the most of detentions received)

(And he had two years up on me)

(He told me that if I did this, he'd give me Buckbeak)

(Thanks Dad, I'll do my best to break more rules)

(Great parenting skills)

(Remus doesn't approve of this deal)

(in fact, he diesn't approve of most deals i strike with dad)

(i wonder why ...)


	8. 301 through 350

**Rules 301 through to 350**

301. My name is not "Dark Lord Happy Pants" and I will not sign my papers as such.

(that was a fun one)

(Unfortunately the only reason I got caught was because everyone else actually signed their names)

(And because McGonagall knows my handwriting off by heart due to all the lines she's made me do)

302. I will not follow my Potions instructions backwards "just for the heck of it".

("Detention, Black!")

(Yes, Dad, I'm catching you up)

303. I should never ask Harry if his "Scar Senses" are tingling.

(He hates that)

(Yet … I do it anyway)

304. I must not lock the all of Gryffindor and Slytherin in a room and see which house comes out alive.

(Gryffindor, all the way)

(Malfoy has no chance against my skills)

305. I will not call the Dark Lord "Tommy-boy".

(He almost cursed my nose off)

(I ALMOST LOOKED LIKE HIM!)

306. As Stan Stunpike learned, impersonating a death eater doesn't "get you chicks".

(Draco also learnt this)

(When will people learn?)

307. I will not crush up booger flavored jelly beans and put them in Draco's pumpkin juice…after this time.

(… I have no comment on this matter, as I do not know that it happened)

(...*shifty eyes*)

308. I must not fill Umbridge's room with flies and then tell the headmaster "She was looking a little deprived, flies are what toads eat right?"

(Yes, I received another detention)

(But strangely received twenty points from McGonagall the next day for informing her that she spelt "transfiguration" wrong)

309. I must not call Potions "Home-Economics" in front of Professor Snape.

(He sent a letter home to my dad)

(Saying I was 'an immature, arrogant young lady who doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut)

(Snape … Dad will just congratulate me)

(Moony's the one who scolds me for misbehaving)

310. Telling Lockheart that there's something in between his teeth will NOT get you out of DADA.

(I never had him …)

(But if I did, I would've tried it)

310. I will not enchant a scarecrow and suit of armor to skip through the halls singing, "We're Off to See the Wizard".

(I should not join them while wearing a blue dress)

(Or let Dad be Toto)

311. I will not hit on Hermione while Ron is in the same room.

(It's awkward for everyone)

(You know, being a girl and all)

312. I will not say, "What's the sitch?" into the Order's two-way mirrors.

(No one understand my references)

313. I will not ask Snape who dumped him and made him so cranky.

(Yeah … like I said … I value my life)

(Very much so)

314. A hug is not all Snape needs.

(I try)

(I really do)

315. I will not splash water in Professor Umbridge's face, expecting her to melt.

(Unless I have Harry's invisibility cloak)

(Or have polyjuiced myself to look like a slytherin)

(Or Zacharias Smith)

(I hate that guy)

316. I am not allowed to set a troll loose because I think it needs some fresh air.

(Fred … really?)

(I mean, I know that you like to pull cruel jokes on people..)

(… But isn't that taking things a bit far?)

317. I can not call Professor Snape "the Sheriff of Nottingham".

(I crack myself up)

318. Dropping a bucket of water on Snape's head was only funny the first time

(…and the second)

(…and third.)

( But the forth time! No way.)

(...Yeah)

319. I must not grind with my broomstick. (Tony Hawk style!)

(McGonagall threatened to take my broom away from me)

(Dad sent her an angry letter)

(I love my family)

320. I will not tell Hermione that the Hogwarts library has burned in a fire.

(She never believes me anyway)

(But there's always that split secons where she had that horrified look on her face …)

(I've been meaning to getting around to take a picture of that)

321. I must not tell Bellatrix that Voldemort got married.

(I must tell Bellatrix anything)

(Unless its that she killed my father and deserves to die)

(Grrrrr … watch your back Bella.)

322. I am not allowed to run my hands through Snape's hair.

(Ew)

(That's disgusting)

(I hope you replaced the skin on your hands Lee)

(*Shudders*)

323. I must not tell Umbridge that some centaurs have invited her to a party.

(Hehe)

(She gets all pale and shaky)

(It's fun to watch)

324. I shall not tell Snape, "There is a thing called shampoo in the world."

(He mysteriously had a card that followed him around while singing this)

(It wasn't me)

(No matter how similar the voice is to my own)

( … I'll be swearing that to my grave)

(Shouldn't take too long)

(Everyone's out for my blood anyway)

325. I must not yell "She-who-must-not-be-named is coming!" every time Umbidge walks down the hall.

(Even if I fell that it is entirely appropriate)

326. I shall not say, "I heard that if you hug Voldemort he won't kill you," to the first years.

(Wow, Ginny)

(I never thought you had it in you)

327. Professor McGonagall likes her milk in a glass, not a saucer.

(Especially a saucer that has the name 'Minnie', written on the side)

(I did not write that)

(Did I bribe someone to do it for me?)

(Possibly)

328. Saying, "Here puss, puss, puss, puss, puss," is not the best way to get McGonagalls attention during class.

(Yet _another_ detention)

(Buckbeak will soon be mine!)

329. Wolf whistling at Lupin when he walks by is not funny.

(I think it is)

(but Dad, it's kind of creepy)

(Seriously)

("Dad, I love you, but if you pun that … I'll kill you)

330. When I see Professor Umbridge, I will not say, "There you are, Trevor. Neville has been looking all over for you."

(This did not go down well)

(At all)

(But … the Gryffindors all thought this was absolutely hilarious)

(Even a red-faced Neville was laughing)

331. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.

(Argh! EW!)

(Mental pictures!)

(DAMN YOU GEORGE!)

332. "Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell.

(Actually …)

("That's final, Black!"

("Yes, Professor")

333. I will not call the DADA teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.

(No one gets my references)

(But I found it funny.)

334. There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.

(But I can wish)

335. I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.

(Especially in the non-fiction section)

(Or the history section)

336. I will not lick Trevor.

(Fred now owes me 20 galleons)

(He thought I wouldn't do it)

337. The Ravenclaws are not "Mentals in training".

(Nice one, Ron)

(but … have you seen yourself?)

338. I will not change the password to the prefect's bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".

(Classic)

(It was totally worth it to see the look on Percy's face)

(Both the frustrated one where he couldn't figure it out … and then when he did)

339. "42″ is not the answer to every question to the O.W.L.'s.

(McGonagall thinks I need to take life more seriously)

(She just doesn't understand the concept of humour(

340. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout "There can be only ONE!".

(It's a wonder I'm not dead yet)

(But I'm not complaining)

341. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

(Only the muggleborns figured it out)

342. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

(This is true)

(But I do it anyway)

343. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

(Most definitely)

(If I'm giggling at all … people generally stay away from me)

344. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts: A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.

(Remus gave it to me to read)

(Thinking that nothing bad would come off it)

(He was wrong)

345. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.

(THIS WASN'T ME!)

(I only gave him the waterbombs)

(...wait … I take that back)

346. I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.

(Nor will I sing the revised version during Gryffindor matches)

(Ever again)

347. I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell.

(I made myself look like Sailor Mars)

(She badass)

348. Voldemort is not Ganandorf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.

(Especially not in the Room of Hidden Things)

(And I should stop looking for it during History)

349. I am not allowed to declare an official Hug A Slytherin Day.

(Good god, this was a fun one!)

(I got Fred and George in on it)

350. I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom.

(Flitwick was alarmed the first time I did it)

(He's used to it now)

* * *

**So, yay ... more rules are down.**

**And the holidays are almost over (*sob*)**

**So much for summer ... its been raining the whole bloody time!**

**A disappointed Australian out!**


	9. Rule 208

**Rule 208. . Submitting the 'Horoscope song' does not count as Divination homework.**

I sighed as I tapped my quill on the parchment, trying to figure out what to do for my horoscope chart for Divination.

"Come on, Naves!" Ron whined to me, "there has t be something!"

I sent a glare in his direction. "There was … you two stole my ideas."

Harry snickered, ignoring my look of death.

"Just think of something stupid," Ron said to me, stuffing his mouth with a chocolate frog. "Like 'falling off the Knight Bus' or something."

There was a long pause as something in my head clicked.

"Ron," I began, a grin forming on my face, "you're a genius!"

"This can't be good," Harry said, looking worried.

I leapt up from my seat and darted up the staircase, rifling through all of my stuff, and pulled out the magical radio that Dad gave me for my birthday, and raced back down the stairs to the boys where I plonked the radio in front of them.

I pulled out my wand and tapped the radio. "listen well boys."

The music started and I was openly grinning, the rest of the common room went quiet to listen.

**AQUARIUS!**

**There's travel in your future,**

**when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus.**

**Fill that void in your pathetic life,**

**by playing whack-a-mole seventeen hours a day.**

**PICIES!**

**Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos,**

**with the Ebola virus.**

**You are the true Lord of the Dance,**

**no matter what those idiots at work say.**

**ARIES!**

**The look on you face with be priceless,**

**when you find 40-pound watermelon in your colon.**

**Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf,**

**Then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.**

**TAURUS!**

**You will never find true happiness.**

**What you gonna do, cry about it?**

**The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up,**

**Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep**

**That's your horoscope for today**

**That's your horoscope for today**

**That's your horoscope for today**

**That's your horoscope for today**

**GEMINI!**

**Your birthday party will be ruined,**

**once again by your explosive flatulence.**

**Your love life will run into trouble,**

**when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest**

**CANCER!**

**The position of jupiter says,**

**that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud.**

**Try not to shove a roll of duck-tape up your nose,**

**while taking you driver's test.**

**LEO!**

**Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt,**

**and staple it to your bosses face**

**Oh, no!**

**Eat a bucket of tuna-flavoured,**

**then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.**

**VIRGO!**

**All Virgos are extremelely friendly and intelligent,**

**except for you.**

**Expect a big surprise today,**

**when you wind you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.**

**That's your horoscope for today**

**That's your horoscope for today**

**That's your horoscope for today**

**That's your horoscope for today**

**Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least  
a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets  
and the stars could have a special deep significance or  
meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let  
me give you my assurance that these forecasts and  
predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented  
evidence, so you would have to be some kind of  
moron not to realize that every single one of them is  
absolutely true.**

**Where was I?**

**LIBRA!  
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone  
much more talented than you  
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that  
when your appendix bursts next week**

**SCORPIO!  
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall  
screaming from an open window  
Work a little bit harder on improving your  
low self esteem, you stupid freak**

**SAGITTARIUS!  
All your friends are laughing behind your back...  
kill them  
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine  
you've got hanging in your den**

**CAPRICORN!  
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful  
person... but you know they're lying  
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never  
never never never never leave my house again**

**That's your horoscope for today  
That's your horoscope for today  
That's your horoscope for today  
That's your horoscope for today **

The entire common room was absolutely speechless.

"Navi?" I heard Fred ask from across the room. "How do you find this stuff?"

I just grinned and shrugged.

"Nice," said Harry appreciatively. "Three galleons McGonagall finds out."

"It's a done deal," I said, reaching across to shake his hand, before I got to work on my Divination, the happiest I'd ever been while doing homework.

Professor Trelawney had given me full marks for this weeks homework.

"How do you like them apples?" I gloated to Harry, shoving the mark in his face, literally.

"What's rthe meaning of this?"

"McG!" I exclaimed happily, hiding the assisgnmet behind my back. "Don't you look lovely this afternoon."

Everyone slowly edged out of the common room, leaving the twins, Ron, Harry, 'Mione and me, in the room.

She scowled at me, "What is in your hand Miss Black?"

I pulled my assignment out. "What this? Divination homework."

She humphed, "I was unaware that Divination also required the students to channel the personalities of their parents."

Harry and Ron snickered.

…

"Did you just make a joke?"

"Hand it over, Black."

I scowled as Harry grinned smugly at me, and I handed it over.

McGonagall was not impressed.

I handed Harry the three galleons. "You're not getting a Christmas present."

He just grinned, at me.

McGonagall sighed, and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"It's your father all over again."

"And he's very proud," I said with a grin.

"Clearly," she said dryly, before handing back the assignment, and moving to the leave.

"I expect to see you this coming Thursday afternoon for your detention, Black."  
"It's a date."

"Just like him," I heard her mutter as she left.

"You want to owl Sirius, or should I?" Harry asked me.

I scowled at him.

* * *

**_Oh, Navi ... when will you learn?_**

**_A shout out to my reviewers, i love you all very much ... really ... i do._**

**_I'm just going to rant here: Okay, here's the thing ... i hate colds. Especially the kind where you can't sleep, and your always sluggish ... why? I just miss out on an entire week of school ... in year 12. _****_Kill me now._**

**_Rant over._**

**_REVIEW FOR VIRTUAL COOKIES AND HUGS!_**


	10. 351 through 400

**_A/N: WHOOT! Another set of rules ...

* * *

_**

**Hiya, McG has another fifty for me ... the stuff we get up too ...**

**Rules 351 through to 400**

351. I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the Common Room.

(Ever, _ever _again)

(Not only did I get detention for a month)

(And docked house points)

(Along with the grounding Remus gave me)

(But my brain has been scarred with things that I don't want there)

(AND THEY WON'T COME OUT!)

(*crys*)

(Can someone obliviate me now?)

352 Remus does not have a chocolate fetish.

(I think …)

(Does he?)

(Hang on, I'll ask)

353. I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.

(Dumbledore asked me how I got into his office)

(I told him to lay off the candy)

(Dad gave me a high-five when I got home)

(I have to have the most immature parent on the planet)

(And I love him for it)

354. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.

(Nor will I add lyrics)

(I was darting around the corridors, pretending to be a ninja hiding from the evil ninjas)

(Good fun)

356. I will not teach the first years to play "The Penis Game" in the Great Hall during dinner.

(I joined in)

(So did the twins)

(Lee won)

357. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.

("ATTACK OF THE SMURFS!")

("What _now_?" – This was Prof. McG)

(She's learning)

358. I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club.

(We do not talk about this fight club)

359. I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.

(*snickers*)

(He wishes)

360. I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.

(But throwing cauldron cakes is _fun_!)

361. It is not necessary to yell "Burn!" everytime Snape takes points from Gryffindor.

(I _am _in Gryffindor)

(And those points are usually taken away _because _of me in the first place)

362. "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.

(I should not perform experimental spells, period)

(Ever, _ever_ again)

(It took _weeks_ to fix up the corridor)

367. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I have the power!"

(I'm such a spaz)

368. I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.

(Butterbeer and too much of Honeydukes finest chocolate)

(A really good combination that results in a humour filled afternoon)

(Followed by a rather sickening night, and morning)

(Moony was awfully smug)

(He said that what I was feeling was punishment enough and that he wouldn't ground me)

(Dad just wanted to know where I got the butterbeer from)

369. I will not stick Bill Weasley's hair to the ceiling with a permanent-sticking charm.

(He hates it when I do that)

370. "Rub-on aphrodisiac" is not one of the twelve uses of dragon's blood.

(I couldn't remember the last use in my exam)

(I can still hear the examiner's laughter to this day)

(He reckons I'm a riot)

(So do I, mate, so do I)

371. Monopoly has been banned from being played.

("Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars.")

("Shut up Ron.")

(Snape had sent me Dumbledore's office.)

(_Again_)

372. Barrels are not to be rolled down the staircases when someone is inside them.

(...Ow)

(I still have bruises)

373. The Twins are not allowed to replace people's wands.

(They swapped Moody's with one that shot out pink confetti went used)

(I was crying from laughing so hard)

374. I will no longer spike the teachers' drinks with firewhiskey and watch the aftermath.

(Good times)

(McGonagall parties quite hard when soberly challenged)

375. Do not declare a prank war with the twins or myself.

(We'll team up.)

(And you will lose)

(end of story)

(Dad said his pranks were better)

(He was wrong)

375. The Twins and I can no longer declare prank wars against _each other._

(It was a free-for-all)

(Everyone stayed out of our way)

376. I will stop asking Dad to 'fetch' me things.

(He thought it was funny at first)

(Not so much anymore)

377. Never let me talk you into anything.

(Yes, Harry, I'm talking to you)

(Well, how was I supposed you would get caught carrying all that superglue up to the common room?)

(And did you have to tell them it was _me_?)

378. I am no longer allowed to plot with George.

(Fred got jealous)

379. I can't cry to get out of trouble.  
(Really Fred?)

(I mean, I knew you were looking for attention …)

(But seriously)

(I was crying too)

(From laughing so hard)

380. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' animagus form.

(I suggested this to McGonagall)

(She stared)

(The muggle borns started laughing)

(So did the Half Bloods)

(Mission accomplished)

381. Just because this is a list does not make it a checklist.

(Oh, how I wish)

382. The Dursleys do not need to know about what we learnt in DADA this week.

(I like to keep them updated)

382. I cannot achieve interdimensional travel, and even if I could, I would not end up in the following fandoms.

*Transformers (I would most likely join forces with Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. The World would end)

*Eragon (Oh, I could have _soo_ much fun with this one)

*Twilight (*Shudders*)

*Middle Earth (I think we already discussed this …)

*Glee (I think we've established that I can't sing)

(I'd list more, but McGonagall is glaring)

383. I should not tell anyone that they can't balance two glasses of water on their hands for longer than 10 seconds.

(I walked away)

(Ron had no way of putting the glasses down)

(The twins gave me props for that one)

(No matter how simple it was)

385. I should not gather every female in my house and have a 'girls night'.

(You'd think that this wouldn't end badly …)

(It did)

386. Dad is no longer allowed to pose as a stray dog to get food from sympathetic old ladies.

(For the record, I egged him on)

(But Moony disapproved)

(I think he's just jealous)

387. 'Nobody move! I dropped me brain!'.

(Dad started laughing very hard)

( … it wasn't actually that funny)

388. I am no longer allowed to go anywhere near helium.

(The twins couldn't stop laughing at my voice)

(they turned it into a product at their shop)

(It lasts four hours)

(Snape can't look anyone in the eye anymore)

389. The movie 'The Party' is also banned.

(I filled up the Great Hall with bubbles)

(No one knows how I did it)

(not even me)

390. I cannot let the Twins watch the movie 'Up'.

(They wanted to make a collar so we could understand Dad in his dog form.)

(Remus said no)

(It was the only time we _didn't _have to hear his voice)

(...Cruel Moony … very cruel … even if surprisingly accurate)

391. Professor Dumbledore does not have a 'boss' Zefron poster.

(… he took down the one I put up)

(But at least he gave it back)

392. I do not have a crush on Harry, or anything associated with him, therefore I will cease chasing Darren Criss, demanding he let me have his babies.

(No matter how hot I think he is)

(It is inappropriate)

(And very scary)

(And I don't even live in America)

393. I will not create 'the scarf of sexual preference.

(Oh, man, that was a fun year)

(Poor little first years)

394. Movie nights with the Twins are now banned, or the movies must be previously approved by Remus Lupin, Minerva McGonagall, or Molly Weasley.

(Because let's face it, Dad doesn't know the meaning of the word 'inappropriate'.)

395. I am to hand out 'Blood Traitor and proud of it' t-shirts to every pureblood student not in Slytherin.

(Just the ones in Gryffindor ;)

396. The Black family tree should not be thoroughly examined by myself.

(My brain has been scarred.)

(Grandma and grandpa were second cousins)

(Ew.)

(And worse, I'm related to _Malfoy_)

(… and pretty much every other pureblood in existance)

(It hurts my brain)

(… get it out)

397. Bunjy Jumping off of the Astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it isn't written anywhere.

(I learnt this the hard way)

(But man, that was a rush)

(Better than Quidditch)

(Wait … I take that back)

398. _Nothing _is better than Quidditch.

399. No ball pits.

(Period)

(Not after what happened in the Great Hall)

(The teachers kept trying to vanish the balls)

(They multiplied)

(I think McG was alarmed to find the Great Hall in a sea of colour)

(Ball pits are fun to swim in)

400. Bertie Botts every flavour beans do not belong in cupcakes.

(I asked the house elves to put them on the Slytherin table at dinner.)

(Well, the gross ones)

(The gryffindors got the good ones)

(I got a cupcake flavoured cupcake)

(My life is complete)

**_A/N: Wow ... four hundred ... can we get to five_**

**_Don't forget to review and tell what you think ... or leave ideas ... maybe both? *puppy face*_**


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